A state of emergency was declared by the mayor of Seattle on
the afternoon of Sunday, October 16. The
mayor wisely took action after a major emotional event occurred in downtown Seattle on a
large, nationally televised field of grass embellished with horizontal white
lines at five yard intervals.
It was estimated that the event was witnessed by over
400,000 residents in the Seattle area. The mayor quickly called on the National Guard to patrol the streets of Seattle to
prevent a potentially unthinkable and largely unstoppable spread of emotional
expressiveness throughout the Seattle metropolitan area and Puget Sound
region. Among many disastrous
consequences of such a widespread show of emotion would be an unfortunate
acknowledgement to the nation that Seattle residents are actually human.
The mayor warned residents of Seattle and surrounding areas
to remain indoors, turn their televisions off, and seek shelter in reading
Atlas Shrugged or The Canterbury Tales to prevent the sideline event at Century Link field
from triggering further emotional outbursts.
Amazon, Microsoft, the University of Washington, and other major
employers in the Puget Sound region were prepared to close their doors on
Monday to minimize the possibility that water cooler and other side
conversations might consider the unmentionable possibility that expression of emotions
is actually healthy. Such seemingly
innocuous conversations, even if scattered and localized, could lead to a
widespread coup of the long standing Pacific Northwest culture which forbids
emotional expressiveness in favor of intellectual prowess and economic
expansion.
Scientists at the University of Washington confirmed on
Sunday, after considering a limited set of data that suited their agenda, that
expressing emotions at a consistent and intentional level was statistically
unlikely to produce significant gains in economic or intellectual advancement
for which the city of Seattle is nationally and internationally regarded. Given the potential downsides of an ensuing
culture coup, these researchers recommended that actions be taken to further
stigmatize the expression of emotions in the Pacific Northwest.
With any luck, the impact of Sunday's event at Century Link
will be limited to the sports world, specifically to the poor, afflicted Seattle
Seahawks who were subsequently forced to spend the entire week deflecting local
and national media attention regarding the sideline outburst of one of their
most talented players. Such media
attention understandably took precedence over discussions of how the team could
advance its performance and position in the NFC west.
In related news, the approximate 15,240 transplanted
southerners living in the Puget Sound region, were found in sidewalks, parks,
and other public spaces on Sunday evening, in various states of laughing and giggling. Their seeming lack of concern for the
seriousness of the situation triggered some observers to make anti-Southern
statements that linked the consumption of chicken fried steak as well as biscuits
and gravy to emotionally expressive moments and similar behaviors regarded as inappropriate in the great PNW.
A quick review of the eating habits of Richard Sherman (the Seahawks cornerback who triggered this crisis) confirmed that Mr. Sherman had neither looked at or consumed chicken
fried steak or biscuits and gravy for approximately 47 months before Sunday's incident. As a result, some question whether Mr. Sherman may be genetically predisposed to expressing emotions as a result of his chronic passion for his craft. Many years in the spotlight of the Pacific Northwest have not ousted
these emotional tendencies from Mr. Sherman's psyche. As a result of his success and resulting evidence that invoking emotion in one's career can be a good thing, it is with some regret that the leaders of Western Washington must now consider that a coup of PNW culture designed to drastically increase and favor
emotional expressiveness may very well be appropriate,
healthy, and productive to the region's national stature.
Or, according to those laughing southerners in the streets and parks of Seattle, such a
coup might simply be... AWESOME!
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